Changing a Negative Story: How to See Through a New Lens

We all tell ourselves stories. Some empower us, while others trap us in negativity. When we feel stuck, frustrated, or wronged, it’s easy to see ourselves as victims – powerless in the face of circumstances or other people’s actions. It serves us to think that we have all the information, that we are interpreting that information correctly, and that anyone who heard the story would come to the same conclusions. Our brains are excellent filters, though – experts at ignoring information that doesn’t serve us, and telling us what we want to hear. Stories where we are the wronged party may make us feel righteous in the moment, but they hinder our growth and disrupt our connection to other people. How can we break out of the victim story?

In their Harvard Business Review article Manage Your Energy, Not Your Time, Tony Schwartz and Catherine McCarthy offer a powerful approach to rewriting our narratives. They propose three lenses we can use to move from a victim mindset into a place of curiosity, growth, and perspective.

The Three Lenses That Change Your Perspective

The most effective way to rewrite a negative story is to shift how we view it. Instead of reacting emotionally, we can ask ourselves targeted questions that help us see the situation differently.

1. The Reverse Lens

"What would the other person in this conflict say, and in what ways might that be true?"

This question acknowledges that there are other ways to view the same information. If we project ourselves into someone else’s perspective, we might emphasize different facts in the situation. When we feel wronged, we often assume we have the full picture. But what if the other person has a different but equally valid experience? Even if we don’t agree with them, understanding their viewpoint can help us de-personalize the conflict and find a productive way forward.

2. The Long Lens

"How will I most likely view this situation in six months?"

When we're caught in the intensity of a moment, everything feels huge. But if we put these events and feelings into proportion to the rest of life, we often realize that what feels like a crisis now will barely register later. This lens encourages us to take a step back and recognize that most conflicts, setbacks, and disappointments are temporary. It helps us avoid overreacting and focus on a measured response.

3. The Wide Lens

"Regardless of the outcome of this issue, how can I grow and learn from it?"

This is the most powerful shift of all. Instead of focusing on what’s wrong or unfair, we can ask: What can this teach me? Every challenge, no matter how frustrating, is an opportunity to grow – whether by improving our communication, setting better boundaries, or developing resilience. I was working towards a promotion recently that was ultimately given to someone else. After acknowledging and making space for my disappointment, the positive way through was to consider how I could interview better in the future. No experience is wasted... If you learn what you can from it.

Coaching Yourself Out of the Victim Mindset

Using these three lenses is a simple but transformative way to coach yourself through difficult situations. Instead of reacting with frustration or defensiveness, you can use these questions to:

• Step out of the victim role. Instead of feeling powerless, you take ownership of how you respond.
• Put things into perspective. You realize that many conflicts and setbacks are temporary or less personal than they seem.
• Cultivate curiosity. Rather than assuming the worst, you explore possibilities, seek understanding, and find new ways to grow.

We all get stuck in negative stories from time to time. But the good news is that we don’t have to stay there. By consciously shifting our perspective, we can create more positive emotions, stronger relationships, and better outcomes.